If Nancy doesn't wake up screaming, it's because she hasn't read the last 10 pages of the script yet...

Let me start off by saying that I think it’s hard to watch any movie made over 20 years ago and not laugh at what passed for special effects back then. That being said, I wish I had been in the room when somebody pitched the “Johnny Depp gets sucked into the bed and then a fountain geyser of blood comes shooting out of it” scene. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

A Brief Synopsis of “A Nightmare on Elm Street”: Small town USA is tormented by the random deaths of four teenagers at the hands of Freddie Kruger, a child murderer that was killed by an angry mob of PTA parents in the past. Freddie is killing the teenagers one by one in the one place their parents can’t protect them: their dreams. Nancy and her gang of motley stereo-types (“I’m the rebel without a cause!” “I’m the girl who loves the bad boy even though he’s always putting me down and using me for sex!” “I’m Johnny Depp and I’m laying the ground work for Skeet Ulrich’s future career!”) In the end, Nancy tries to confront Kruger with Johnny Depp somehow watching over her as she dreams. She fails, Depps gets sucked into the afore mentioned plasma gusher in his bed and Nancy ends up dreaming her way into a convertible with the rest of her dead friends that we’re left to believe was actually Freddie Kruger…as a car…because he can totally turn himself into a convertible.

What makes “A Nightmare on Elm Street” a PCBS? It was pretty obvious to me that this was a big time blind spot in my pop culture knowledge when I read that they were rebooting the series with all new actors and hopefully an all new script. If something is big enough to get the reboot and I’ve not even seen the original, that’s a blind spot. It’s also of note that going into this, my only real detailed knowledge of the “Nightmare on Elm Street” cannon came from “Treehouse of Horror VI” where Groundskeeper Willie steps into the Krueger role and begins murdering the students of Springfield Elementary. Again, if it’s big enough for Groundskeeper Willie to get involved with then I should at least know what it was.

How does it look in the rear view mirror? Well, I’m sorry to say that “A Nightmare on Elm Street” didn’t give me nightmares. It didn’t even give me trouble sleeping (which is amazing as a mis-guided and pre-spoiled viewing of “Paranormal Activity” last fall had me sleeping with the lights on for weeks). In fact, the movie made me laugh…alot. And here are some of the reasons why:

• When confronted with her daughter’s inability to sleep after having a nightmare (that somehow resulted in four slash marks across the front of her nightgown that had to have been caused by her daughter clawing at herself in her sleep) Tina’s mom suggests that her daughter “better stop that kinda dreamin.” Thanks, Matlock.
• The use of the term “Finger Knives!” to describe the razor glove that Kruger wears is just too close to “Finger Lasers!” to not be funny
• Knowing that there’s a killer on the loose that’s hunting down teenagers in their sleep because she and some other PTA zealots formed a posse and killed him, Nancy’s mom not only has her in a hot bath but then decides to bring her a glass of warm milk. That’s just straight up terrible parenting. I get that Nancy’s mom, wracked by the guilt of all the unlawful revenge murdering in her past, has become a bit of a booze hound but still, trying to get your kid to sleep when the thing that’s trying to kill them can do just that only when Nancy is sleeping is just plain stupid.
• Speaking of that bath, what the hell is Nancy thinking? She’s been pulling a Jessie Spano for days trying to stay awake but now she suddenly thinks that a nice, warm bath is the answer to her problems? “Calgon, take me a–oh shit, there’s no bottom on this bathtub!” (Classy points to Wes Craven for not one but two awkward shots of Freddie’s finger knives coming up between Nancy’s legs in the tub. That’s just master film making.)
• At the time, this wouldn’t have been a problem. But since I have the benefit of 26 years of hindsight I can officially say that it’s impossible to take the guy who played the voice of Roger Rabbit seriously as any sort of medical professional. Charles Fleischer shows up as “Dr. King” (again, classy) the lead physician studying Nancy’s sleep patterns. He’s the guy who does goofy voices, not the guy who analyzes brain wave read outs.
• Johnny Depp’s big line of the movie “Morality sucks.” Doesn’t he know that the virginal kids live in horror movies while the slutty ones die? Except in this movie they all died in the end. So…yeah…he should have hit that.

Final Thoughts: No, it’s not a particularly great movie but “A Nightmare on Elm Street” is still an important part of our pop culture heritage. Freddie’s gone on to appear in a bazillion sequels, he’s fought Jason, Will Smith rapped about him and he’s even getting the big reboot treatment later this year. I feel a little bit better now that I know where it all started. Plus, I now know that Johnny Depp’s body contains 18x more fluid than any other person on the planet. Now that should help us all sleep a little bit better. Sweet Dreams!